I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
