Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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