I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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