i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
