My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
