Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I intend to get homeless drunk
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
