eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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