I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
