You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
