i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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