is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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