before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
