Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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