It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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