he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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