So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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