Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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