I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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