turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was confusing and full of hummus
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
