Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
