If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
