I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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