OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
