dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
