youre lurking in front of me
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Too much gin, very little bucket
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
