On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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