you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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