peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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