I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
