they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So many bounce houses so little time
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
