Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
