i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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