i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
