He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
