why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize