Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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