Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
