you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
