Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
