The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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