I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
