My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
