Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We were destined to go to rehab together
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
