cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
