i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
