I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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