I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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