i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
