Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
