My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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