and you said cock pushups were impossible
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
