Where is the hickey?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.