The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
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you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
and you fell through a lawn chair