ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
